C/P story part 5
7 February 2004 20:17![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mandragoraAnd there's no escape.
Chapter Five
Captain's Log: Stardate:
We have met a group of people who call themselves Enaran. They are a friendly, technologically advanced race and we are giving them a lift from one of their colonies to their homeworld, in return for which they are providing us with technological assistance, by working to make Voyager's engines more efficient. Lieutenant Torres tells me that she is most impressed with their improvements to date.
Neelix has suggested a reception tonight in honour of the Enarans. He intends that the party should be in accordance with Enaran customs and culture. I find myself intrigued at this suggestion and have told him to proceed.
End entry.
~~~~~
Captain's Personal Log: Stardate:
I had a curious conversation with B'Elanna this morning. She was late for our breakfast meeting, which is unlike her. When I asked her about it, she told me about these amazingly sensual dreams she's been having, involving an Enaran man, but not one of the Enarans who's on board Voyager. She looked happy about the dreams, although I have to admit that I felt a bit smug at the thought that whereas B'Elanna is finding satisfaction in dreams, I'm experiencing the real thing, with Tom. The sex is better than ever, I must admit.
It's definitely worth it, even though maintaining this type of relationship in secret is something of a strain. We've never actually discussed it, but I think that we're both in agreement that the fact we're sleeping together should remain between the two of us, not least because it's no one's business but our own. This makes it more difficult, though, when I find myself thinking of Tom at the wrong moment, or when I catch his eye in the briefing room and have to dampen down my reaction to him. I've never felt this level of pure physical attraction before for someone I spend so much time with, because we work together. With Kathryn, things were different, probably because we never slept together. I wanted her, of course, but didn't find myself lusting after her as much as I do Tom. I suspect because my relationship with Kathryn wasn't based mainly on the physical, although that was definitely part of it. She was very beautiful, after all. But, in retrospect, I can see that I subconsciously dampened down my libido, on the basis that if I couldn't have her, I didn't want to go after anyone else.
So far, I don't think the fact Tom and I have a sexual relationship has affected our working together significantly, in fact, if anything, it's improved it, as we seem to work together a little better than before. That's even taking account of the fact that sometimes its difficult not to let the physical attraction get out of hand. If it was just me who feels like this, I'd be worried, but I have a feeling Tom feels the same way. I know the signs when he's aroused, and I see those in him as often as I feel that about him.
"Computer..." Chakotay hesitated, not sure whether to delete those parts of his personal log pertaining to Tom Paris. To date, he'd refrained from mentioning his relationship with Tom much, even in his personal logs, partly because he just wasn't sure quite how he felt about it all. That it was good for him, he didn't doubt. He felt much more like himself than he had in the first dreadful weeks following Kathryn's death. But, he couldn't say that Paris didn't irritate him as much as he ever had, at times he still had to forcibly control his urge to smack him. Or that he liked him much more than he had before this had started, but then Paris remained an enigma to him. Their private meetings, as Chakotay and Tom, rather than as captain and first officer, were for one purpose only - to get laid. This was a new experience for Chakotay; a relationship based almost totally on the physical. He found it ironic that he'd never had such a satisfying sexual relationship before, not even with people he'd cared for deeply. In fact, he'd never had a regular lover who he hadn't felt some sort of emotional connection with. Until now. He was sure that, in time, one of them would get bored and end it, but for now, what he and Tom had suited him just fine.
He pondered whether he should delete the last log entry, conscious that it was difficult to keep personal logs totally secure. Then he shrugged; who among the crew was likely to invade his privacy in this way? It wasn't as if there were any rumours going around about him and Tom, that might tempt a less than scrupulous crew member to investigate by snooping into the Captain's personal logs, or at least he didn't think there were. He thought that both he and Tom had done well at not letting any hint of their relationship slip, although that could be because they didn't really spend much time together socially, at least not in public and maintained, by and large, very separate lives.
Now, he really ought to put in at least an appearance at Neelix' reception. He could always consider whether to delete the entry later.
~~~~~
That evening, Chakotay watched from his position by a wall as Tom and Harry entered the messhall to attend Neelix' Enaran reception. Both were dressed in formal wear, although, Chakotay thought, frowning a little, he couldn't say he really liked Tom's attire. He found it a little surprising that someone so beautiful didn't appear to know how to dress well. He watched as Harry quickly went to talk to a pretty young Enaran woman, what was her name, Jessen? She was obviously interested in Harry, and he just as obviously returned her interest. He couldn't help grinning when he saw that Tom had got stuck with one of Neelix' snacks, watching his grimace of distaste with amusement. He quietly moved up behind him and spoke into his ear.
"Having fun?"
Tom jumped. "Shit, Chakotay, what're you trying to do, give me a heart attack?"
Chakotay grinned at him. He loved doing this, penetrating Tom's unconcerned exterior. In fact, he wondered whether it was - in part at least - an act and that Tom wasn't anywhere near as laid back as he pretended to be.
"That's not the part of your anatomy I had in mind to attack," he admitted, as Tom's glare gave way to a reluctant smile. "I was wondering if you'd like to meet up later, in my quarters?" He didn't like to admit, even to himself, how much he wanted Tom to say yes. Tom remained maddeningly unpredictable; sometimes he would agree to an encounter, other times he would say that he was busy. Chakotay suspected that often he really wasn't, that he just said it to be difficult. Whereas, Chakotay would invariably agree to meet Tom, if he suggested a rendezvous, or at least he would only say no if he was genuinely busy. He didn't like to play games with people, unlike Tom. He resented the younger man for that but didn't call him on it, as he didn't want to lose his... company, or at least, not yet. Not until this physical infatuation had run its course.
Eventually, "Sure."
"Till later then," Chakotay said, strolling off to go and have a word with one of the Enarans, unaware that a pair of blue eyes was watching him wistfully.
Tom started once more, what was it tonight, everyone get Tom time? as Harry laid a hand on his shoulder.
"What's the matter?"
"What? Nothing. What makes you think something's wrong?"
"You've got this funny expression on your face, that's all."
"Well, I'm fine. Really," Tom added at Harry's sceptical look. Kim suspected that something was going on with his best friend, had been for a while now, but he wasn't certain what it was and Tom certainly wasn't talking. But he'd been a little quieter than normal recently, not so much that most people would probably even notice, but enough for Harry to tell that something had changed.
"Shouldn't you be getting back to Jessen?" Tom asked, grinning, as Harry blushed a little at the mention of the young Enaran woman he'd become friendly with. "After all, she's not going to be here forever so..."
"Thanks for reminding me, Paris!" Harry looked at him in exasperation. He could be so insensitive at times. After he'd bothered to come over and see if Tom was all right, as well.
"Sorry."
With a final glare, Harry went over to Jessen, leaving Tom alone. He looked around, thinking that sometimes you were most lonely when surrounded by people, then sighed. Feeling sorry for himself was something he did far too often recently.
~~~~
Later that evening, Chakotay lay in a post orgasmic stupor, watching lazily as Tom dried himself off following a swift shower. Soon, he would leave to go back to his own quarters. Chakotay looked with appreciation as Tom dropped the towel, preparatory to pulling on his underwear. A nude Tom Paris was one of the most beautiful sights he'd ever seen, with his lean, trim physique, the long muscles moving under the skin. He admired the long legs and well-shaped backside as Tom bent over, pulling on his briefs and sighed; it was a crime to have to cover that up. He loved the light dusting of golden hair that coated Tom's body, save for the smooth shoulders and back. When Tom stood nude, with the light behind him, it was as if he was standing in a halo of light, although he couldn't but laugh to himself at the thought of an angelic Tom Paris.
Fully dressed now, Tom turned to go.
"Tomorrow?" Chakotay asked.
"I can't, I'm helping Neelix with a new holo programme."
"Oh, okay," Chakotay said disappointed. "The day after then?"
Tom hesitated, but all he said was, "Fine. My place, okay?"
"Okay. Come here." Tom walked slowly over to Chakotay, where he was pulled down and kissed thoroughly. "Till then," the older man said and smiled at him. Tom simply nodded, a little flushed from the kiss, then left.
~~~~~
Captain's Log Stardate: 50211.4
We have now left the Enarans behind. It was not pleasant to learn that these friendly, cultured people committed genocide, nor that they had deliberately attempted to cover up all evidence of this act. It might have never have come to light if one of the older Enarans hadn't implanted her memories into Lieutenant Torres. Unsurprisingly, Lieutenant Torres' reaction to this revelation was extreme distaste, which I and, I believe, the rest of the crew share. I find the hypocrisy of these people to be chilling; their capacity for self-deceit is frightening. And yet, in Human history there are equally distasteful examples, I believe. The Enarans' behaviour is a salutary reminder of what lengths a people will go to in order to avoid facing up to unpleasant reality.
We have cut short our trading talks and have resumed our journey, however, I intend to keep watch on Lieutenant Torres lest there be any lingering effects from her experience.
*****
Captain's Log: Stardate:
We are orbiting the home system of a race called the Nakami. Our initial diplomatic efforts were successful, as the Nakami have been most hospitable. Unfortunately, when visiting the sacred caves of the Nakami, a place called The Sanctuary, Kes inadvertently walked into an archway containing a biogenic field which caused her to collapse. The Doctor has been unable to treat her and her condition is grave. The Nakami have told us that she is as good as dead and they obviously do not expect her to survive. I spoke to the Nakami chief official, known as the Magistrate, to discuss with him whether they can treat Kes. The Magistrate explained to me that he is a secular figure only and that he would have to speak to the clerics about Kes, but that unfortunately they will not speak to outsiders.
Unsurprisingly, Neelix is most concerned about Kes' condition and has located a Nakami story about a King's child who had been 'punished by the spirits' and went into a 'death sleep', which is evidently similar to the one Kes is experiencing. This King undertook a ritual and spoke with the ancestral spirits, who in their mercy saw fit to grant the life of his child.
I subsequently spoke to the Magistrate in the hope that I could persuade him, as the Captain of Voyager, and therefore analogous to a King, to allow me to take the ritual. He consented and I propose to beam down shortly in order to undertake the ritual.
End entry.
~~~~
As Chakotay finished the latest log entry, he was fully aware that by his side Tom was shifting restlessly in his seat. Or maybe that should be more restively than usual, he thought with an inward grin, as he had a pretty good idea of how difficult Tom found it to just sit there in the first officer's chair. He had noticed on several occasions the longing glances Tom was unable to refrain from throwing at the conn and it appeared that Hamilton felt them as well, because more than once she had turned to look at Tom, an enquiring look on her ebony skinned face, to be met only with a rather sheepish shrug from Tom. Of course, Chakotay thought sardonically, it didn't help that nowadays he was only too aware of every move Tom made, the sheer physicality of him sometimes almost overwhelming Chakotay's senses. He blessed at those times the self-discipline he'd cultivated, that he let no outward sign of this escape.
"Might I have a word with you Captain?" Tom asked, rather formally.
"Yes, of course, Lieutenant. My ready room?" Chakotay replied in kind. The two men rose and walked across the bridge, both maintaining a carefully reserved demeanour.
Once inside the ready room, Chakotay walked over to the window seat and indicated that Tom should sit beside him. "What's up?" he asked casually as he sat.
Tom sighed as he sat beside him, rather further away than Chakotay was used to. "It's this ritual."
"Yes?"
"I have to say I'm concerned about it. I mean, what do you think this will accomplish?"
"Well, hopefully, the return of Kes."
Tom sighed. "Okay, but do you think that *you* ought to risk this?"
"Why not me? Are you concerned for my welfare?"
He grinned at Tom, expecting a smart come back, then was surprised when the response was a quiet, "Yes." For a second he felt an unaccustomed feeling of warmth towards the younger man until Tom continued: "As you're the captain, we can least afford to lose you and to be honest, I really don't want to be captain in your place."
"Oh." Chakotay felt deflated. "Well, if it's any comfort, I don't think any danger is involved. And surely you're not suggesting that we don't try everything we can to save Kes?"
Tom glared at him. "Of *course* not! No, I was just wondering if I ought to take the ritual instead."
Chakotay blinked in amazement. "You!" Then he began to laugh. He really couldn't help himself, it was the thought of Tom Paris, possibly the least spiritual person he'd ever met, undertaking a religious ritual. Tom frowned at him indignantly, what was so funny? "I'm sorry, Tom," Chakotay hiccuped. "But you, you're not exactly the spiritual type."
Tom went a fiery shade of red. "So, what you're saying is that you think I'm incapable of doing this. That I don't have sufficient moral fibre, is that it?"
Chakotay looked at him intently. "I didn't say that."
"You didn't have to," was the low-voiced, bitter response.
"Tom..." Chakotay sighed. "Look, I didn't mean it that way, but you've never exactly evinced any religious propensities in the past."
"How would you know?"
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You've never shown any interest in what I think, let alone what my interests are. You've made it plain that all you're interested in is fucking me."
Chakotay scowled "That's not--"
"What!" Tom interrupted. "Don't say that it's not true, because we both know that it is."
"I didn't think that's what you wanted." Chakotay said weakly.
Tom fixed him with a sardonic expression. "What? You didn't think that I might possibly want a little conversation, a little interest in me, rather than my body?"
Chakotay glared at him. "Like you're interested in me? It's not like you know anything about me either?"
Tom smiled at him challengingly as he rose to his feet, Chakotay following suit, to avoid having the lieutenant tower over him any more than necessary. "No? Let me see, Chakotay, only child of Kolopak and [ ]. Brought up on Trebus. Joined Starfleet over the opposition of his parents, had some difficulty at the Academy, where he was frequently reprimanded for his inability to accept authority. You know," a conversational aside, "I've always had trouble figuring out just why you have so many problems with me, in the circumstances, but anyway... Joined the Maquis when his home village and family were destroyed by the Cardassians. Has deep spiritual values, believes in practising his ancestral meditation techniques. Eats only vegetarian food, drinks sparingly. Likes playing parisee squares, hoverball, skiing, is a big fan of classical musical styles, not so big on jazz and modern music, but will tolerate them. Enjoys reading action adventure and mystery stories, will devour any classic literature, particularly from non-human cultures, will also occasionally indulge in a few philosophical treatises. Is particularly fascinated in anthropology, especially that of non-human races, whose beliefs he always tries to treat with respect. Likes sex--"
"Tom."
"--a lot, although he doesn't want to admit it. Has a tendency to be a judgmental, sanctimonious--"
"*Paris*!"
"--son of a bitch!"
There was a tense silence, broken only by the sound of both men's harsh breathing. Chakotay was angry at Tom's insult, but also felt guilty and amazed that Tom knew so much about him; by comparison his knowledge of his First Officer was limited. He knew what was on his record of course, but next to nothing about his likes and interests. He had a vague idea that he was interested in old methods of propulsion; he'd got that ancient motor vehicle working again, hadn't he, when they'd met Amelia Earheart and her contemporaries? But, he couldn't say that he had anywhere near the same detailed knowledge that Tom had just demonstrated about him. He decided, for now, to ignore the insult, figuring that to call Tom on it would just make a tense situation worse.
"How do you know all this?" was what he finally said.
Paris visibly calmed himself down, by inhaling deeply, before he answered. "I just do. I pick things up, you know, when people talk and I have a good memory, so I guess they stick."
Chakotay was openly surprised. "I didn't think you were paying attention."
Tom shrugged. "Sometimes." Then he laughed, a light, bitter sound. "Let me guess. You think I'm too self absorbed to pay attention to anyone other than myself."
"I didn't say that!"
"No. But I'll bet you thought it."
"No, I didn't."
"Yeah, right! You're a lousy liar, you know that Chakotay?"
Chakotay was unable to prevent a betraying flush, but made a conscious effort to regulate his feelings, put his thoughts in order. Because Tom was right, he hadn't made any attempt to get to know him. And, yes, he'd thought that Tom felt the same way, didn't want to interact much with him, outside the bedroom, either, but that wasn't really an excuse, not when the man was also his first officer. No matter how irritating that first officer might be.
He spoke abruptly. "Tom I'm sorry." He noted Paris' obvious surprise at receiving an apology from him, visible in the raised eyebrows and furrowed brow. "You're right. I don't know much about you and I want to fix that. Look, how about we meet for dinner tonight?"
There was a long silence while Tom simply looked at him. Chakotay couldn't tell from his expression what he was thinking. Then he sighed. His voice was weary. "I don't think so. I mean, what's the point? If you were really interested in me, you'd have done something about it by now."
Chakotay felt his guilt increase, squirming inwardly as he realised that there was more than a grain of truth in what Tom had said. "No," he protested. "I do want to have dinner with you." He was totally sincere, he realised with an internal start, although he wasn't sure why. Again, there was silence, during which Chakotay held himself still trying not to fidget. He wasn't sure why what Tom said next was so important, after all, if Tom decided to end it, it was no big deal. He'd miss the sex, of course, but you couldn't really call what they had a relationship. Maybe it was that he feared a resumption of the way he'd felt until he and Tom had got together, after Kathryn's death. That was probably it.
Eventually, "You're forgetting something."
Chakotay frowned, puzzled. "What?"
"You're probably going to be busy tonight. There's this ritual to go through, remember. Although I still think you ought to let me do it."
Chakotay shook his head. "You can't. It has to be me, as the captain, I'm the one who's the closest to being a king and father."
Tom's sense of humour got the better of him as he started to laugh. "So, does that mean I'm your son or something."
"Shit, no!" Chakotay said, with feeling, causing Tom to laugh even harder. "I assure you my feelings are anything but paternal." He smiled at Tom, feeling the lightening in the atmosphere with relief and waited until Tom's laugher had died down before saying, "Dinner? When the ritual's over? Please?"
Tom looked at him intensely, then shrugged. "Since you ask so nicely..."
Chakotay was rather more relieved than he'd have liked. "That's great. Now," with a hasty change of subject, "I'd better get down to the surface."
~~~~~~
First Officer's Log: Stardate:
I am becoming increasingly concerned about both Kes and the Captain. Her condition continues to deteriorate and the Doctor doesn't believe he'll be able to keep her alive for much longer. As for the Captain, he has now been undertaking the ritual, whatever that is, for two days. I find myself wondering whether I should interfere and beam him up to Voyager, but am very reluctant to do so, while there is still a possibility that Kes can be saved. It's not surprising, given his cultural heritage, that Captain Chakotay would volunteer to undertake the ritual and it is my understanding that, as Captain, he is the only person on board Voyager who could have done so. However, I will have to keep a careful eye on the situation, to ensure that we don't end up losing both Kes and the Captain.
End entry.
~~~~
First Officer's Personal Log: Stardate:
I'm really not certain what to do about this ritual Chakotay's going through. I know that he has all these spiritual beliefs and I got the distinct impression that he jumped at the chance to prove them by undergoing this ritual, but, even to save Kes, I'm reluctant to let him risk his life as well. The prospect of losing Kes is bad enough, without losing Chakotay too. So, the question is, how long do I let him go on with this. We're monitoring his life signs and they've already dipped alarmingly a couple of times. If I thought the Nakami gave a damn about his welfare, I'd be happier, but these are the same people who're prepared to let Kes die, just for stepping somewhere she shouldn't. And they didn't even tell her that beforehand.
Maybe I'm being intolerant here, but I find it very difficult to respect any faith that allows this sort of thing. And there've been enough of those in humanity's past. Maybe that's why I find it so difficult to believe in any kind of religion, because I've read about what can happen when they're taken to extremes. And yet, Chakotay, who's not exactly stupid, really does seem to believe. So, am I missing out somehow? I really don't know. Although it would be kind of comforting, I guess, to be able to believe. However, my personal philosophy to date consists of only, if there's a way for anything I'm involved in to be screwed up, it will be. Which isn't exactly a comfort.
So, I sit here and watch and wait, feeling useless. If I could do something, it'd be easier. I hate this, this feeling of helplessness. Also...weird as it sounds, before he beamed down Chakotay and I arranged a...well, a date, I suppose. Dinner. I was pretty pissed at him, for some things he said about me and I told him he didn't what he was talking about, that he knew nothing about me, that all he was interested in doing was fucking me. I thought he'd just stalk off in a huff or something, but instead he agreed with me and asked me to dinner. I was more than a little surprised, but now I find myself actually looking forward to it, God knows why.
God. Ironic, here's me the non-believer and yet I still use the word. Seems like the effect of religion is pretty pervasive, even now, after we've known for over two hundred years that we're not the only intelligent life form in the galaxy.
Anyway, it should be interesting to have dinner with Chakotay, instead of just meeting to fuck. Even though it'll probably be a disaster, following the Tom Paris philosophy of life. That's if, of course, Chakotay comes through this ritual okay. And, more importantly, that Kes is saved. I really can't envision enjoying myself on some dinner date if she isn't all right.
End entry.
~~~~
Tom stood in sickbay looking down at an increasingly weakened Kes. He clenched his fists feeling intense frustration, at the fact he could do nothing to help her. The Doctor was obviously very concerned, his normal sardonic manner was quite absent, in fact Tom didn't think he'd seen the hologram more worried. But then, it wasn't surprising; Kes was a friend of the Doc after all.
"There's no word?" Neelix asked for the third time in ten minutes.
Tom shook his head. "You know I'd tell you as soon as I know anything."
"I know. I'm sorry. It's just--"
"You love her. I know, I care for her too, Neelix."
The Talaxian looked up at his tall friend and attempted to smile. "I know you do, Tom. But to see her like this..."
Tom squatted down to where Neelix was sitting. "It breaks the heart."
"Yes..."
"Chakotay will do all he can you know that, Neelix. Trust him. I do."
Even in his concentration on Kes, Neelix was surprised. "Forgive me, Tom, but I didn't think you and he...That is, you don't get on too well."
"We don't. But I trust him to do his best, for Kes, for all of us. He won't let her die if there's anyway that he can prevent it. You *must* believe that Neelix."
"I do. Thank you."
Tom placed a hand on Neelix' shoulder and squeezed reassuringly. He thought he had an inkling of how Neelix was feeling. It was terrible to see Kes lying here like this, her normally animated features so still and if he felt this, for Neelix, who loved her passionately, it must be much worse. Although, truth be told, Tom was a little envious of the depth of commitment they evidenced, he would have sold his soul to have someone look at him the way Neelix looked at Kes. However, he couldn't also help wondering now whether it was worth it, loving someone that badly. Of course, he thought sardonically, that type of love wasn't likely to happen to him any time soon, certainly not with Chakotay. Even if some sort of guilty feeling had made Chakotay invite him to dinner.
Just then his commbadge beeped; it was Chakotay asking him to beam down with Kes and Neelix.
On arrival at the caves, Tom looked searchingly at Chakotay who appeared to be a little tired, but otherwise healthy.
"What's happening," Tom asked.
"I need to take Kes into the sanctuary, through the archway. Back into the biogenic field."
Tom stared at him in disbelief. "Are you crazy? That's how she was hurt in the first place. Why'd you want to take her back into it?"
"I believe it'll save her life."
"What! You can't *possibly* believe that."
"I have to agree, Captain, I saw it happen, remember, going in there was what hurt her in the first place. It could hurt you too. I'll always be grateful for what you tried to do for her," Neelix said earnestly, "but I couldn't, and I know she couldn't, ask you to risk your life like this."
"He's right," Tom said. "Look you've been through a lot in the past couple of days. Why don't you--"
"I know what I'm doing."
"Are you sure of that?" Tom asked sceptically.
Chakotay sighed. "I can't explain it, but I've been told that this is the way to save Kes' life, that this is the only way to help her. I *have* to do this."
Tom scanned the archway with his tricorder, squinting against the light emanating from the arch, which threw mysterious shadows into the confines of the sacred caves. "There's 800 megajoules of biogenic energy running through there every second. The thoron radiation levels are...off the scale. You can't possibly think that you can pass through unharmed." He made an effort to make his tone persuasive as he said, "Why don't you take some time to think about this and let us run some scans?"
The Captain shook his head. "No. Kes doesn't have time. I'm going in."
Tom's jaw tightened as he folded his arms; his whole body language shrieked negation. "No you're not."
Chakotay's eyes narrowed dangerously. "I'm the Captain, if you hadn't forgotten."
"Oh, I hadn't forgotten. But it's my responsibility to keep you safe. For the crew's sake if not your own. I can't let you do this. I'll relieve you of command if I have to."
Impasse. Both men stared at each other, both determined to not give way. Neelix glanced uncertainly between them. He'd never seen Tom look so determined, the captain yes, but Tom's normally easy going exterior had disappeared as if it had never existed. The man who was left was a stranger to Neelix; hard blue eyes meeting equally implacable ones of brown.
Out of nowhere, a Nakami male appeared. He was obviously known to Chakotay, as he turned to the captain and asked, "He can't really do that, can he?"
"What? Relieve me of command?" The Nakami nodded. "He can if it appears that the captain is mentally impaired."
"Hmm, I can see that might be necessary is the captain of a ship was really mentally impaired. But," the Nakami man said earnestly to Chakotay, "you *know* you're not crazy Chakotay.
"Oh really, " Neelix spat. "You're telling him to go through the archway, why should he trust you, your people were willing to let Kes die."
"Nobody knows what will happen until they go in," the man said. "I don't know the answers, but you *do*, Chakotay."
Chakotay nodded. He was still for a moment, obviously thinking, then, with a sudden, unexpected movement, bent to pick Kes up from where she was lying on the floor, but Tom put out a hand to stop him. "This is *crazy* Chakotay. You know that. I won't let you do this. I *can't*."
Chakotay looked at him; although there was a tinge of apprehension, for the most part his expression was unafraid, matched by his calm tone. "Tom, trust me. Please. I'm not crazy. You know that. Please. For Kes. Just trust me."
Tom's eyes wavered as he looked down to the injured Ocampan. For a long moment there was silence. "All right," he finally said, slowly. "I'll trust you. But, you'd better make *damn* sure you come back in one piece."
Chakotay smiled at him, an unexpected warmth flooding him, at Paris' obvious concern. It wasn't something he'd ever really expected to have directed towards him, but, somewhat to his surprise, he found that he liked it. He lifted Kes up gently and walked towards the brightly glowing archway. Once there, he stopped for an instant, closing his eyes briefly, then stepped inside. There was a flash of blinding, retina searing light, then nothing more. When those watching were able to blink dazzled eyes sufficiently to see again, they saw Chakotay standing there, unharmed. A moment later, Kes opened her eyes and smiled up at the captain.
At that, Tom finally felt the vice round his chest loosen and he was able to breathe again.
~~~~
Captain's Personal Log Stardate: 50063.2
These past couple of days have been an amazing experience. I thought I had some knowledge of spiritual matters, but until now I hadn't quite grasped the central tenet that there are some things that one needs to take on faith. A simple concept, yet one that is difficult to rely on, I think. Yet, for all my striving, my determination to do the right thing, this is what it all came down to in the end. I've spent some time meditating on the experience, although I think it's going to take quite some time to completely come to terms with it.
Tom and I had a confrontation over it. Not surprisingly, he thought my judgement might have been affected. I have to admit that I was a little surprised at the opposition he put up. If I hadn't persuaded him to trust me, I have no doubt that he'd have done his utmost to relieve me of command. I'm pleased to find that this is the case, because...
Chakotay looked up from making this latest log entry, as the door beeped. "Come in." He smiled when he saw it was Tom, dressed casually in off duty attire that, for once, actually enhanced his looks. Hmm, all in black. Very, very nice.
"I'm not too early am I?" he asked as he saw Chakotay sitting at his desk.
"No, not at all." Chakotay rose to his feet, which were bare, as he preferred in his quarters, and went over to Tom, kissing him lightly. Paris looked surprised at this gesture and even more so when Chakotay took him by the hand, but, instead of leading him to the bedroom, sat him down at the dining table. He'd made all the preparations, including laying the table, earlier.
"I promised you dinner earlier remember."
Tom smiled at him. "I remember."
"Is vegetarian all right," Chakotay asked, turning to the replicator.
"It's fine."
Chakotay placed the order, then set a plate in front of Tom who took a cautious bite, then grinned in relief; it was delicious. For a moment, there was an awkward silence, then Tom spoke.
"Um, what happened today..." Chakotay looked at him enquiringly. "I don't want you to think that I was challenging your authority, or anything like that. It was just..."
"That I was acting like I was crazy?"
"Well, yeah."
"I know. Actually I'm glad that you acted as you did." Tom's eyes widened in disbelief. "It makes me feel secure to know that if I'm incapacitated you'll be there to pick up the pieces."
"You really mean that?"
"I really mean it," Chakotay confirmed. At that, a slow, shy smile lit up Tom's face. Chakotay felt his heart give a peculiar little jump. He'd never seen Tom smile like that before, and, oh, he looked so beautiful in that instant. He swallowed heavily, then continued, "I think I've realised that it can be a difficult thing to do, take something on the spiritual level on faith, on trust, even for me."
Tom nodded. "It's an integral part of most religions, but is often described as the simplest and yet hardest tenet to grasp."
"I didn't think you were the religious type."
"Oh, I'm not, but I find the concept interesting. There are so many similarities between the different religions, and often the differences tell you more about the type of society in which the religion is practised than almost anything else."
"You're really interested in this type of thing?"
Tom grinned at him. "There's no need to look so surprised. I'm interested in all sorts of things." Unspoken were the words 'As you'd have found out if you bothered to ask,' but Chakotay heard them clearly none the less and winced internally.
"So, how'd you find out about them, then, if you don't practise any religion?"
Tom shrugged. "I read a lot."
Again, Chakotay was surprised. He couldn't really picture the ebullient Paris sitting quietly in his quarters, reading. "You do? When?"
"Well obviously not when I'm on duty," Tom said tartly.
"No, no, of course not."
"But other times, you know, in my free time, in bed. What, did you think I spent all of my free time on the holodeck, in Sandrine's?" Chakotay didn't want to admit that that had been his impression as Tom continued in an exasperated voice, "Dammit, Chakotay. Even I, party animal that you obviously think I am, like some time to myself, y'know!"
The other man nodded. "I know. I'm sorry. It's just that you seem to try your hardest to give everyone that impression. You do, you know," he said apologetically.
To his surprise, Tom grinned at him. "Yeah, I know. It's okay, I can't really complain if you got the impression I wanted you to get, now can I." Then, with a swift change of subject: "So, if it's not too personal, what went on in this ritual? I mean, how did you reach the point when you were literally willing to risk your life by going through that archway?"
Chakotay's face lit up with enthusiasm. "It was amazing. I thought I knew something about spiritual matters, but this was different from what I've experienced in the past." He explained to Tom what had happened, about the various ordeals he'd undergone, until he'd experienced the revelation that all of that was unnecessary and extraneous, that all was required was faith. Tom listened, rapt, fascinated by the tale Chakotay span of his experiences.
Later, the two men sat side by side on Chakotay's couch, still talking. Chakotay had to admit that he'd had a thoroughly enjoyable dinner, for Tom had proved to be a stimulating dinner guest, interested in what he'd had to say, ready with many an interesting or amusing anecdote of his own. For the first time, Chakotay was really able to see the Admiral's son; the training he'd received in social situations was obvious. When he wasn't trying to be obnoxious, Tom was a very easy companion to be with, with beautiful manners and social graces. Of course, being Tom, he hadn't been able to resist making the odd sarcastic comment and there'd been a few times when Chakotay had had to bite his tongue to avoid making a comment that he knew Tom would interpret as derogatory.
But on the whole, he'd had a good time, laughing a bit shamefacedly at some of Tom's more scurrilous stories, and unwillingly fascinated by others. It had turned out that Tom pretty much knew everyone who was anyone in Starfleet, not just that, but he also knew some tales that he was positive the brass would have been horrified to learn were known to him. It was beginning to dawn on Chakotay just what being a Paris meant, and he was getting an inkling of the type of pressure Tom must have been under his whole life in order to live up to the Paris family legacy. That didn't excuse his reprehensible behaviour after Caldik Prime of course, nothing could do that, but it did go some way to explain it. It also explained Tom's apparent lack of respect for authority. He'd been brought up surrounded by authority figures, no wonder he didn't kow-tow to anyone who wielded authority as a matter of course. And yet, he obviously did respect some people in positions of command, Kathryn Janeway for one. He hoped that Tom respected him, although he wasn't certain whether that was the case or not. He felt somewhat uneasy at the fact that he actually *wanted* Tom's respect, at this feeling he now had that this was something worth having. Why should he care what Tom thought of him? Beyond the fact that a captain really needed his first officer's respect to function most effectively, of course.
"Paris to Chakotay. Paris to Chakotay."
"Hmm?"
"You look like you were a million parsecs away. I'm not boring you am I?"
At that, Chakotay had to laugh. Tom Paris engendered all sorts of feelings in him, but boredom was not, and never would be, one of them. "You? Boring? Never!"
Tom grinned at him. "Then just what's got you so abstracted?"
Chakotay shook his head. "Nothing important. Although I was thinking about doing this." As he spoke, he leaned over and kissed Tom, who responded enthusiastically.
"Bedroom," Tom mumbled against his mouth. Chakotay nodded and the two of them stumbled to the bedroom, still kissing.
Once there, Chakotay let go of Tom and reclined on the bed. "Undress for me," he requested. Tom shook his head in amusement, but acquiesced. He made a performance out of it, slowly pulling off his clothes, until he stood naked, proudly erect, hands on hips.
"Like what you see?"
"You know I do!"
Tom did. He'd felt Chakotay's eyes on him often enough to know that he had one quality that was of overwhelming interest to Chakotay. Okay, maybe being wanted only because of his looks wasn't the best thing in the universe, but at least it was something.
He moved to Chakotay, who had started to undo his clothes. Tom caught his hands. "Let me." He slowly unfastened Chakotay's shirt, a little at a time, pressing kisses on the smooth brown flesh revealed to his admiring gaze. He slid the creamy shirt off the broad shoulders letting it lie where it fell on the bed covers. Then he turned his attention to the trousers, grinning at the bulge of Chakotay's obvious erection. He unfastened them and slid his hand inside, to grasp the strong shaft; as usual before one of their trysts, Chakotay wasn't wearing any underwear. He wordlessly motioned for Chakotay to raise up and deftly slid off the trousers, leaving Chakotay naked.
Chakotay was enjoying the attention; Tom's touch was gentle, almost tender, his kisses light. It was going to be one of the times when they'd take it slowly, somehow he knew it. This was exactly what he'd been in the mood for, following the events of the day. He wondered how Tom had guessed that, then ceased to think as Tom bent his head and ran his tongue up Chakotay's shaft. Oh, he loved this; the feeling engendered when Tom did this; he was so good at this. He groaned, deep in his throat, as Tom gently licked at his balls, taking one into his mouth. The wet heat was exquisite. Then Tom took the shaft into his mouth and sucked. Chakotay's hips bucked at the feel, then he cried out in protest as Tom removed his mouth.
"Turn over." The words were softly spoken, but with an underlying note of command. Wordlessly, Chakotay complied, lying face down on the bed. He felt light, nibbling kisses at his ankles. He wriggled a bit, unable to prevent himself; it tickled.
"Try to stay still," Tom requested. "I can guarantee it'll be better if you do." Oh, in that case... Chakotay tried not to move as Tom slowly, slowly licked up his leg, pausing to lavish attention on the soft skin at the back of the knees. Chakotay had never thought of this as much of an erogenous zone before, but was rapidly changing his mind. A long lick up the inside of his thigh; at this Chakotay spread his legs, to give Tom better access. He skirted over his ass, much to Chakotay's disappointment, but spent some time on the small of his back, then licked up his spine. Chakotay's whole body felt sensitised, every millimetre tingling, the air as it slid over his skin was unbearably arousing as every part of his body, even the parts Tom hadn't touched, felt like a mass of raw nerve endings. He moaned and rubbed his groin against the covers, desperate for the friction. Then, slowly, oh so slowly, he felt his ass cheeks parted and then, oh, he cried out as he felt a sensitive tongue touch him there. Tom ran his tongue round the rim, as Chakotay shivered in delight, wailing when he felt the clever tip penetrate him.
He cried out in protest, as the tongue left him, but that turned into a long, low moan, as he felt a finger slide inside him, preparing him for what was to come.
"Hurry," he gasped, but felt Tom's headshake in response as Tom pressed kisses on the tops of his thighs.
"Not this time, we're taking it slow, remember."
Chakotay gritted his teeth, damn the man. But before he could protest, he felt long, elegant fingers seize his balls, stroking and caressing them and the protest died unborn, as Chakotay gave himself up to sheer sensation. All he was able to concentrate on were twin feelings of Tom stretching him and the delicious sensations engendered by that beautiful hand on his balls. He felt as if he were burning up, that he would burst into flame, because, surely, nobody could survive this type of heat. Then, for a few moments, both hands were removed; leaving him bereft until he felt the slow, slow entry into his body. Aaah, he'd wanted this, longed for this, this was gentle and slow and perfect...
His mind flew, as swift as any vision quest, there was nothing but the feeling, this tender, careful, beautiful possession. His fingers laced together with Tom's as the feel of him moving on him, in him, became the whole universe. Nothing existed save this moment, this feeling, nothing had ever existed save for than this... this would last forever.... At the moment of completion, he felt both joy, and regret, that it had to come to an end.
It took him a long time to come back to himself. Gradually, he became aware of his surroundings, the long body lying on top of his, breath slowing. He moved slightly, at that Tom rolled off him, to Chakotay's regret. He turned to his back and reached for the younger man, hugging him close.
"Thank you," he said quietly. "That was wonderful."
"I told you you'd like it." The words were triumphant, but the tone was not. Instead, he sounded, well, Chakotay really wasn't sure how he sounded. Almost shy maybe. Then he dismissed that; the last thing Tom Paris could be described as was shy.
"You were right, I did." He pressed a kiss to Tom's temple, enjoying the feel of him in his arms, all sweat soaked and flushed as he was.
The two men lay there in silence for a long moment, as Chakotay found himself drifting off to sleep. Then Tom moved, breaking the embrace, to Chakotay's murmur of protest. Paris got up off the bed, waking Chakotay fully now.
"I'd better get going."
"You don't have to," Chakotay offered, feeling almost shy, in his turn. "Why don't you stay."
Tom looked down at him for a long moment. "Nah, better not."
With that, he disappeared swiftly into the shower, collecting his clothes en route; leaving Chakotay feeling absurdly deflated. After Tom's tender, gentle, almost loving actions earlier, somehow it seemed to be a travesty that moments later the man who had so worshipped his body felt the need to get up and leave. It had never been quite like this between them before. Tom had taken him many times, and he'd enjoyed each time greatly, but it had never moved him like tonight. Wonderful though it had always been, he'd not guessed that it could be like this between them.
Tom came out of the bathroom fully dressed a short while later. He walked to where Chakotay sat up in bed, silently watching him, then smiled hesitantly. "Thanks Chakotay, I had a really good time tonight."
"So did I."
"Well," Tom said awkwardly, "thanks for dinner. I'll see you in the morning, okay."
"Yes, tomorrow."
With that, he was gone. Chakotay lay back on the bed, with a sigh.
******
End Chapter Five
Chapter Five
Captain's Log: Stardate:
We have met a group of people who call themselves Enaran. They are a friendly, technologically advanced race and we are giving them a lift from one of their colonies to their homeworld, in return for which they are providing us with technological assistance, by working to make Voyager's engines more efficient. Lieutenant Torres tells me that she is most impressed with their improvements to date.
Neelix has suggested a reception tonight in honour of the Enarans. He intends that the party should be in accordance with Enaran customs and culture. I find myself intrigued at this suggestion and have told him to proceed.
End entry.
~~~~~
Captain's Personal Log: Stardate:
I had a curious conversation with B'Elanna this morning. She was late for our breakfast meeting, which is unlike her. When I asked her about it, she told me about these amazingly sensual dreams she's been having, involving an Enaran man, but not one of the Enarans who's on board Voyager. She looked happy about the dreams, although I have to admit that I felt a bit smug at the thought that whereas B'Elanna is finding satisfaction in dreams, I'm experiencing the real thing, with Tom. The sex is better than ever, I must admit.
It's definitely worth it, even though maintaining this type of relationship in secret is something of a strain. We've never actually discussed it, but I think that we're both in agreement that the fact we're sleeping together should remain between the two of us, not least because it's no one's business but our own. This makes it more difficult, though, when I find myself thinking of Tom at the wrong moment, or when I catch his eye in the briefing room and have to dampen down my reaction to him. I've never felt this level of pure physical attraction before for someone I spend so much time with, because we work together. With Kathryn, things were different, probably because we never slept together. I wanted her, of course, but didn't find myself lusting after her as much as I do Tom. I suspect because my relationship with Kathryn wasn't based mainly on the physical, although that was definitely part of it. She was very beautiful, after all. But, in retrospect, I can see that I subconsciously dampened down my libido, on the basis that if I couldn't have her, I didn't want to go after anyone else.
So far, I don't think the fact Tom and I have a sexual relationship has affected our working together significantly, in fact, if anything, it's improved it, as we seem to work together a little better than before. That's even taking account of the fact that sometimes its difficult not to let the physical attraction get out of hand. If it was just me who feels like this, I'd be worried, but I have a feeling Tom feels the same way. I know the signs when he's aroused, and I see those in him as often as I feel that about him.
"Computer..." Chakotay hesitated, not sure whether to delete those parts of his personal log pertaining to Tom Paris. To date, he'd refrained from mentioning his relationship with Tom much, even in his personal logs, partly because he just wasn't sure quite how he felt about it all. That it was good for him, he didn't doubt. He felt much more like himself than he had in the first dreadful weeks following Kathryn's death. But, he couldn't say that Paris didn't irritate him as much as he ever had, at times he still had to forcibly control his urge to smack him. Or that he liked him much more than he had before this had started, but then Paris remained an enigma to him. Their private meetings, as Chakotay and Tom, rather than as captain and first officer, were for one purpose only - to get laid. This was a new experience for Chakotay; a relationship based almost totally on the physical. He found it ironic that he'd never had such a satisfying sexual relationship before, not even with people he'd cared for deeply. In fact, he'd never had a regular lover who he hadn't felt some sort of emotional connection with. Until now. He was sure that, in time, one of them would get bored and end it, but for now, what he and Tom had suited him just fine.
He pondered whether he should delete the last log entry, conscious that it was difficult to keep personal logs totally secure. Then he shrugged; who among the crew was likely to invade his privacy in this way? It wasn't as if there were any rumours going around about him and Tom, that might tempt a less than scrupulous crew member to investigate by snooping into the Captain's personal logs, or at least he didn't think there were. He thought that both he and Tom had done well at not letting any hint of their relationship slip, although that could be because they didn't really spend much time together socially, at least not in public and maintained, by and large, very separate lives.
Now, he really ought to put in at least an appearance at Neelix' reception. He could always consider whether to delete the entry later.
~~~~~
That evening, Chakotay watched from his position by a wall as Tom and Harry entered the messhall to attend Neelix' Enaran reception. Both were dressed in formal wear, although, Chakotay thought, frowning a little, he couldn't say he really liked Tom's attire. He found it a little surprising that someone so beautiful didn't appear to know how to dress well. He watched as Harry quickly went to talk to a pretty young Enaran woman, what was her name, Jessen? She was obviously interested in Harry, and he just as obviously returned her interest. He couldn't help grinning when he saw that Tom had got stuck with one of Neelix' snacks, watching his grimace of distaste with amusement. He quietly moved up behind him and spoke into his ear.
"Having fun?"
Tom jumped. "Shit, Chakotay, what're you trying to do, give me a heart attack?"
Chakotay grinned at him. He loved doing this, penetrating Tom's unconcerned exterior. In fact, he wondered whether it was - in part at least - an act and that Tom wasn't anywhere near as laid back as he pretended to be.
"That's not the part of your anatomy I had in mind to attack," he admitted, as Tom's glare gave way to a reluctant smile. "I was wondering if you'd like to meet up later, in my quarters?" He didn't like to admit, even to himself, how much he wanted Tom to say yes. Tom remained maddeningly unpredictable; sometimes he would agree to an encounter, other times he would say that he was busy. Chakotay suspected that often he really wasn't, that he just said it to be difficult. Whereas, Chakotay would invariably agree to meet Tom, if he suggested a rendezvous, or at least he would only say no if he was genuinely busy. He didn't like to play games with people, unlike Tom. He resented the younger man for that but didn't call him on it, as he didn't want to lose his... company, or at least, not yet. Not until this physical infatuation had run its course.
Eventually, "Sure."
"Till later then," Chakotay said, strolling off to go and have a word with one of the Enarans, unaware that a pair of blue eyes was watching him wistfully.
Tom started once more, what was it tonight, everyone get Tom time? as Harry laid a hand on his shoulder.
"What's the matter?"
"What? Nothing. What makes you think something's wrong?"
"You've got this funny expression on your face, that's all."
"Well, I'm fine. Really," Tom added at Harry's sceptical look. Kim suspected that something was going on with his best friend, had been for a while now, but he wasn't certain what it was and Tom certainly wasn't talking. But he'd been a little quieter than normal recently, not so much that most people would probably even notice, but enough for Harry to tell that something had changed.
"Shouldn't you be getting back to Jessen?" Tom asked, grinning, as Harry blushed a little at the mention of the young Enaran woman he'd become friendly with. "After all, she's not going to be here forever so..."
"Thanks for reminding me, Paris!" Harry looked at him in exasperation. He could be so insensitive at times. After he'd bothered to come over and see if Tom was all right, as well.
"Sorry."
With a final glare, Harry went over to Jessen, leaving Tom alone. He looked around, thinking that sometimes you were most lonely when surrounded by people, then sighed. Feeling sorry for himself was something he did far too often recently.
~~~~
Later that evening, Chakotay lay in a post orgasmic stupor, watching lazily as Tom dried himself off following a swift shower. Soon, he would leave to go back to his own quarters. Chakotay looked with appreciation as Tom dropped the towel, preparatory to pulling on his underwear. A nude Tom Paris was one of the most beautiful sights he'd ever seen, with his lean, trim physique, the long muscles moving under the skin. He admired the long legs and well-shaped backside as Tom bent over, pulling on his briefs and sighed; it was a crime to have to cover that up. He loved the light dusting of golden hair that coated Tom's body, save for the smooth shoulders and back. When Tom stood nude, with the light behind him, it was as if he was standing in a halo of light, although he couldn't but laugh to himself at the thought of an angelic Tom Paris.
Fully dressed now, Tom turned to go.
"Tomorrow?" Chakotay asked.
"I can't, I'm helping Neelix with a new holo programme."
"Oh, okay," Chakotay said disappointed. "The day after then?"
Tom hesitated, but all he said was, "Fine. My place, okay?"
"Okay. Come here." Tom walked slowly over to Chakotay, where he was pulled down and kissed thoroughly. "Till then," the older man said and smiled at him. Tom simply nodded, a little flushed from the kiss, then left.
~~~~~
Captain's Log Stardate: 50211.4
We have now left the Enarans behind. It was not pleasant to learn that these friendly, cultured people committed genocide, nor that they had deliberately attempted to cover up all evidence of this act. It might have never have come to light if one of the older Enarans hadn't implanted her memories into Lieutenant Torres. Unsurprisingly, Lieutenant Torres' reaction to this revelation was extreme distaste, which I and, I believe, the rest of the crew share. I find the hypocrisy of these people to be chilling; their capacity for self-deceit is frightening. And yet, in Human history there are equally distasteful examples, I believe. The Enarans' behaviour is a salutary reminder of what lengths a people will go to in order to avoid facing up to unpleasant reality.
We have cut short our trading talks and have resumed our journey, however, I intend to keep watch on Lieutenant Torres lest there be any lingering effects from her experience.
*****
Captain's Log: Stardate:
We are orbiting the home system of a race called the Nakami. Our initial diplomatic efforts were successful, as the Nakami have been most hospitable. Unfortunately, when visiting the sacred caves of the Nakami, a place called The Sanctuary, Kes inadvertently walked into an archway containing a biogenic field which caused her to collapse. The Doctor has been unable to treat her and her condition is grave. The Nakami have told us that she is as good as dead and they obviously do not expect her to survive. I spoke to the Nakami chief official, known as the Magistrate, to discuss with him whether they can treat Kes. The Magistrate explained to me that he is a secular figure only and that he would have to speak to the clerics about Kes, but that unfortunately they will not speak to outsiders.
Unsurprisingly, Neelix is most concerned about Kes' condition and has located a Nakami story about a King's child who had been 'punished by the spirits' and went into a 'death sleep', which is evidently similar to the one Kes is experiencing. This King undertook a ritual and spoke with the ancestral spirits, who in their mercy saw fit to grant the life of his child.
I subsequently spoke to the Magistrate in the hope that I could persuade him, as the Captain of Voyager, and therefore analogous to a King, to allow me to take the ritual. He consented and I propose to beam down shortly in order to undertake the ritual.
End entry.
~~~~
As Chakotay finished the latest log entry, he was fully aware that by his side Tom was shifting restlessly in his seat. Or maybe that should be more restively than usual, he thought with an inward grin, as he had a pretty good idea of how difficult Tom found it to just sit there in the first officer's chair. He had noticed on several occasions the longing glances Tom was unable to refrain from throwing at the conn and it appeared that Hamilton felt them as well, because more than once she had turned to look at Tom, an enquiring look on her ebony skinned face, to be met only with a rather sheepish shrug from Tom. Of course, Chakotay thought sardonically, it didn't help that nowadays he was only too aware of every move Tom made, the sheer physicality of him sometimes almost overwhelming Chakotay's senses. He blessed at those times the self-discipline he'd cultivated, that he let no outward sign of this escape.
"Might I have a word with you Captain?" Tom asked, rather formally.
"Yes, of course, Lieutenant. My ready room?" Chakotay replied in kind. The two men rose and walked across the bridge, both maintaining a carefully reserved demeanour.
Once inside the ready room, Chakotay walked over to the window seat and indicated that Tom should sit beside him. "What's up?" he asked casually as he sat.
Tom sighed as he sat beside him, rather further away than Chakotay was used to. "It's this ritual."
"Yes?"
"I have to say I'm concerned about it. I mean, what do you think this will accomplish?"
"Well, hopefully, the return of Kes."
Tom sighed. "Okay, but do you think that *you* ought to risk this?"
"Why not me? Are you concerned for my welfare?"
He grinned at Tom, expecting a smart come back, then was surprised when the response was a quiet, "Yes." For a second he felt an unaccustomed feeling of warmth towards the younger man until Tom continued: "As you're the captain, we can least afford to lose you and to be honest, I really don't want to be captain in your place."
"Oh." Chakotay felt deflated. "Well, if it's any comfort, I don't think any danger is involved. And surely you're not suggesting that we don't try everything we can to save Kes?"
Tom glared at him. "Of *course* not! No, I was just wondering if I ought to take the ritual instead."
Chakotay blinked in amazement. "You!" Then he began to laugh. He really couldn't help himself, it was the thought of Tom Paris, possibly the least spiritual person he'd ever met, undertaking a religious ritual. Tom frowned at him indignantly, what was so funny? "I'm sorry, Tom," Chakotay hiccuped. "But you, you're not exactly the spiritual type."
Tom went a fiery shade of red. "So, what you're saying is that you think I'm incapable of doing this. That I don't have sufficient moral fibre, is that it?"
Chakotay looked at him intently. "I didn't say that."
"You didn't have to," was the low-voiced, bitter response.
"Tom..." Chakotay sighed. "Look, I didn't mean it that way, but you've never exactly evinced any religious propensities in the past."
"How would you know?"
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You've never shown any interest in what I think, let alone what my interests are. You've made it plain that all you're interested in is fucking me."
Chakotay scowled "That's not--"
"What!" Tom interrupted. "Don't say that it's not true, because we both know that it is."
"I didn't think that's what you wanted." Chakotay said weakly.
Tom fixed him with a sardonic expression. "What? You didn't think that I might possibly want a little conversation, a little interest in me, rather than my body?"
Chakotay glared at him. "Like you're interested in me? It's not like you know anything about me either?"
Tom smiled at him challengingly as he rose to his feet, Chakotay following suit, to avoid having the lieutenant tower over him any more than necessary. "No? Let me see, Chakotay, only child of Kolopak and [ ]. Brought up on Trebus. Joined Starfleet over the opposition of his parents, had some difficulty at the Academy, where he was frequently reprimanded for his inability to accept authority. You know," a conversational aside, "I've always had trouble figuring out just why you have so many problems with me, in the circumstances, but anyway... Joined the Maquis when his home village and family were destroyed by the Cardassians. Has deep spiritual values, believes in practising his ancestral meditation techniques. Eats only vegetarian food, drinks sparingly. Likes playing parisee squares, hoverball, skiing, is a big fan of classical musical styles, not so big on jazz and modern music, but will tolerate them. Enjoys reading action adventure and mystery stories, will devour any classic literature, particularly from non-human cultures, will also occasionally indulge in a few philosophical treatises. Is particularly fascinated in anthropology, especially that of non-human races, whose beliefs he always tries to treat with respect. Likes sex--"
"Tom."
"--a lot, although he doesn't want to admit it. Has a tendency to be a judgmental, sanctimonious--"
"*Paris*!"
"--son of a bitch!"
There was a tense silence, broken only by the sound of both men's harsh breathing. Chakotay was angry at Tom's insult, but also felt guilty and amazed that Tom knew so much about him; by comparison his knowledge of his First Officer was limited. He knew what was on his record of course, but next to nothing about his likes and interests. He had a vague idea that he was interested in old methods of propulsion; he'd got that ancient motor vehicle working again, hadn't he, when they'd met Amelia Earheart and her contemporaries? But, he couldn't say that he had anywhere near the same detailed knowledge that Tom had just demonstrated about him. He decided, for now, to ignore the insult, figuring that to call Tom on it would just make a tense situation worse.
"How do you know all this?" was what he finally said.
Paris visibly calmed himself down, by inhaling deeply, before he answered. "I just do. I pick things up, you know, when people talk and I have a good memory, so I guess they stick."
Chakotay was openly surprised. "I didn't think you were paying attention."
Tom shrugged. "Sometimes." Then he laughed, a light, bitter sound. "Let me guess. You think I'm too self absorbed to pay attention to anyone other than myself."
"I didn't say that!"
"No. But I'll bet you thought it."
"No, I didn't."
"Yeah, right! You're a lousy liar, you know that Chakotay?"
Chakotay was unable to prevent a betraying flush, but made a conscious effort to regulate his feelings, put his thoughts in order. Because Tom was right, he hadn't made any attempt to get to know him. And, yes, he'd thought that Tom felt the same way, didn't want to interact much with him, outside the bedroom, either, but that wasn't really an excuse, not when the man was also his first officer. No matter how irritating that first officer might be.
He spoke abruptly. "Tom I'm sorry." He noted Paris' obvious surprise at receiving an apology from him, visible in the raised eyebrows and furrowed brow. "You're right. I don't know much about you and I want to fix that. Look, how about we meet for dinner tonight?"
There was a long silence while Tom simply looked at him. Chakotay couldn't tell from his expression what he was thinking. Then he sighed. His voice was weary. "I don't think so. I mean, what's the point? If you were really interested in me, you'd have done something about it by now."
Chakotay felt his guilt increase, squirming inwardly as he realised that there was more than a grain of truth in what Tom had said. "No," he protested. "I do want to have dinner with you." He was totally sincere, he realised with an internal start, although he wasn't sure why. Again, there was silence, during which Chakotay held himself still trying not to fidget. He wasn't sure why what Tom said next was so important, after all, if Tom decided to end it, it was no big deal. He'd miss the sex, of course, but you couldn't really call what they had a relationship. Maybe it was that he feared a resumption of the way he'd felt until he and Tom had got together, after Kathryn's death. That was probably it.
Eventually, "You're forgetting something."
Chakotay frowned, puzzled. "What?"
"You're probably going to be busy tonight. There's this ritual to go through, remember. Although I still think you ought to let me do it."
Chakotay shook his head. "You can't. It has to be me, as the captain, I'm the one who's the closest to being a king and father."
Tom's sense of humour got the better of him as he started to laugh. "So, does that mean I'm your son or something."
"Shit, no!" Chakotay said, with feeling, causing Tom to laugh even harder. "I assure you my feelings are anything but paternal." He smiled at Tom, feeling the lightening in the atmosphere with relief and waited until Tom's laugher had died down before saying, "Dinner? When the ritual's over? Please?"
Tom looked at him intensely, then shrugged. "Since you ask so nicely..."
Chakotay was rather more relieved than he'd have liked. "That's great. Now," with a hasty change of subject, "I'd better get down to the surface."
~~~~~~
First Officer's Log: Stardate:
I am becoming increasingly concerned about both Kes and the Captain. Her condition continues to deteriorate and the Doctor doesn't believe he'll be able to keep her alive for much longer. As for the Captain, he has now been undertaking the ritual, whatever that is, for two days. I find myself wondering whether I should interfere and beam him up to Voyager, but am very reluctant to do so, while there is still a possibility that Kes can be saved. It's not surprising, given his cultural heritage, that Captain Chakotay would volunteer to undertake the ritual and it is my understanding that, as Captain, he is the only person on board Voyager who could have done so. However, I will have to keep a careful eye on the situation, to ensure that we don't end up losing both Kes and the Captain.
End entry.
~~~~
First Officer's Personal Log: Stardate:
I'm really not certain what to do about this ritual Chakotay's going through. I know that he has all these spiritual beliefs and I got the distinct impression that he jumped at the chance to prove them by undergoing this ritual, but, even to save Kes, I'm reluctant to let him risk his life as well. The prospect of losing Kes is bad enough, without losing Chakotay too. So, the question is, how long do I let him go on with this. We're monitoring his life signs and they've already dipped alarmingly a couple of times. If I thought the Nakami gave a damn about his welfare, I'd be happier, but these are the same people who're prepared to let Kes die, just for stepping somewhere she shouldn't. And they didn't even tell her that beforehand.
Maybe I'm being intolerant here, but I find it very difficult to respect any faith that allows this sort of thing. And there've been enough of those in humanity's past. Maybe that's why I find it so difficult to believe in any kind of religion, because I've read about what can happen when they're taken to extremes. And yet, Chakotay, who's not exactly stupid, really does seem to believe. So, am I missing out somehow? I really don't know. Although it would be kind of comforting, I guess, to be able to believe. However, my personal philosophy to date consists of only, if there's a way for anything I'm involved in to be screwed up, it will be. Which isn't exactly a comfort.
So, I sit here and watch and wait, feeling useless. If I could do something, it'd be easier. I hate this, this feeling of helplessness. Also...weird as it sounds, before he beamed down Chakotay and I arranged a...well, a date, I suppose. Dinner. I was pretty pissed at him, for some things he said about me and I told him he didn't what he was talking about, that he knew nothing about me, that all he was interested in doing was fucking me. I thought he'd just stalk off in a huff or something, but instead he agreed with me and asked me to dinner. I was more than a little surprised, but now I find myself actually looking forward to it, God knows why.
God. Ironic, here's me the non-believer and yet I still use the word. Seems like the effect of religion is pretty pervasive, even now, after we've known for over two hundred years that we're not the only intelligent life form in the galaxy.
Anyway, it should be interesting to have dinner with Chakotay, instead of just meeting to fuck. Even though it'll probably be a disaster, following the Tom Paris philosophy of life. That's if, of course, Chakotay comes through this ritual okay. And, more importantly, that Kes is saved. I really can't envision enjoying myself on some dinner date if she isn't all right.
End entry.
~~~~
Tom stood in sickbay looking down at an increasingly weakened Kes. He clenched his fists feeling intense frustration, at the fact he could do nothing to help her. The Doctor was obviously very concerned, his normal sardonic manner was quite absent, in fact Tom didn't think he'd seen the hologram more worried. But then, it wasn't surprising; Kes was a friend of the Doc after all.
"There's no word?" Neelix asked for the third time in ten minutes.
Tom shook his head. "You know I'd tell you as soon as I know anything."
"I know. I'm sorry. It's just--"
"You love her. I know, I care for her too, Neelix."
The Talaxian looked up at his tall friend and attempted to smile. "I know you do, Tom. But to see her like this..."
Tom squatted down to where Neelix was sitting. "It breaks the heart."
"Yes..."
"Chakotay will do all he can you know that, Neelix. Trust him. I do."
Even in his concentration on Kes, Neelix was surprised. "Forgive me, Tom, but I didn't think you and he...That is, you don't get on too well."
"We don't. But I trust him to do his best, for Kes, for all of us. He won't let her die if there's anyway that he can prevent it. You *must* believe that Neelix."
"I do. Thank you."
Tom placed a hand on Neelix' shoulder and squeezed reassuringly. He thought he had an inkling of how Neelix was feeling. It was terrible to see Kes lying here like this, her normally animated features so still and if he felt this, for Neelix, who loved her passionately, it must be much worse. Although, truth be told, Tom was a little envious of the depth of commitment they evidenced, he would have sold his soul to have someone look at him the way Neelix looked at Kes. However, he couldn't also help wondering now whether it was worth it, loving someone that badly. Of course, he thought sardonically, that type of love wasn't likely to happen to him any time soon, certainly not with Chakotay. Even if some sort of guilty feeling had made Chakotay invite him to dinner.
Just then his commbadge beeped; it was Chakotay asking him to beam down with Kes and Neelix.
On arrival at the caves, Tom looked searchingly at Chakotay who appeared to be a little tired, but otherwise healthy.
"What's happening," Tom asked.
"I need to take Kes into the sanctuary, through the archway. Back into the biogenic field."
Tom stared at him in disbelief. "Are you crazy? That's how she was hurt in the first place. Why'd you want to take her back into it?"
"I believe it'll save her life."
"What! You can't *possibly* believe that."
"I have to agree, Captain, I saw it happen, remember, going in there was what hurt her in the first place. It could hurt you too. I'll always be grateful for what you tried to do for her," Neelix said earnestly, "but I couldn't, and I know she couldn't, ask you to risk your life like this."
"He's right," Tom said. "Look you've been through a lot in the past couple of days. Why don't you--"
"I know what I'm doing."
"Are you sure of that?" Tom asked sceptically.
Chakotay sighed. "I can't explain it, but I've been told that this is the way to save Kes' life, that this is the only way to help her. I *have* to do this."
Tom scanned the archway with his tricorder, squinting against the light emanating from the arch, which threw mysterious shadows into the confines of the sacred caves. "There's 800 megajoules of biogenic energy running through there every second. The thoron radiation levels are...off the scale. You can't possibly think that you can pass through unharmed." He made an effort to make his tone persuasive as he said, "Why don't you take some time to think about this and let us run some scans?"
The Captain shook his head. "No. Kes doesn't have time. I'm going in."
Tom's jaw tightened as he folded his arms; his whole body language shrieked negation. "No you're not."
Chakotay's eyes narrowed dangerously. "I'm the Captain, if you hadn't forgotten."
"Oh, I hadn't forgotten. But it's my responsibility to keep you safe. For the crew's sake if not your own. I can't let you do this. I'll relieve you of command if I have to."
Impasse. Both men stared at each other, both determined to not give way. Neelix glanced uncertainly between them. He'd never seen Tom look so determined, the captain yes, but Tom's normally easy going exterior had disappeared as if it had never existed. The man who was left was a stranger to Neelix; hard blue eyes meeting equally implacable ones of brown.
Out of nowhere, a Nakami male appeared. He was obviously known to Chakotay, as he turned to the captain and asked, "He can't really do that, can he?"
"What? Relieve me of command?" The Nakami nodded. "He can if it appears that the captain is mentally impaired."
"Hmm, I can see that might be necessary is the captain of a ship was really mentally impaired. But," the Nakami man said earnestly to Chakotay, "you *know* you're not crazy Chakotay.
"Oh really, " Neelix spat. "You're telling him to go through the archway, why should he trust you, your people were willing to let Kes die."
"Nobody knows what will happen until they go in," the man said. "I don't know the answers, but you *do*, Chakotay."
Chakotay nodded. He was still for a moment, obviously thinking, then, with a sudden, unexpected movement, bent to pick Kes up from where she was lying on the floor, but Tom put out a hand to stop him. "This is *crazy* Chakotay. You know that. I won't let you do this. I *can't*."
Chakotay looked at him; although there was a tinge of apprehension, for the most part his expression was unafraid, matched by his calm tone. "Tom, trust me. Please. I'm not crazy. You know that. Please. For Kes. Just trust me."
Tom's eyes wavered as he looked down to the injured Ocampan. For a long moment there was silence. "All right," he finally said, slowly. "I'll trust you. But, you'd better make *damn* sure you come back in one piece."
Chakotay smiled at him, an unexpected warmth flooding him, at Paris' obvious concern. It wasn't something he'd ever really expected to have directed towards him, but, somewhat to his surprise, he found that he liked it. He lifted Kes up gently and walked towards the brightly glowing archway. Once there, he stopped for an instant, closing his eyes briefly, then stepped inside. There was a flash of blinding, retina searing light, then nothing more. When those watching were able to blink dazzled eyes sufficiently to see again, they saw Chakotay standing there, unharmed. A moment later, Kes opened her eyes and smiled up at the captain.
At that, Tom finally felt the vice round his chest loosen and he was able to breathe again.
~~~~
Captain's Personal Log Stardate: 50063.2
These past couple of days have been an amazing experience. I thought I had some knowledge of spiritual matters, but until now I hadn't quite grasped the central tenet that there are some things that one needs to take on faith. A simple concept, yet one that is difficult to rely on, I think. Yet, for all my striving, my determination to do the right thing, this is what it all came down to in the end. I've spent some time meditating on the experience, although I think it's going to take quite some time to completely come to terms with it.
Tom and I had a confrontation over it. Not surprisingly, he thought my judgement might have been affected. I have to admit that I was a little surprised at the opposition he put up. If I hadn't persuaded him to trust me, I have no doubt that he'd have done his utmost to relieve me of command. I'm pleased to find that this is the case, because...
Chakotay looked up from making this latest log entry, as the door beeped. "Come in." He smiled when he saw it was Tom, dressed casually in off duty attire that, for once, actually enhanced his looks. Hmm, all in black. Very, very nice.
"I'm not too early am I?" he asked as he saw Chakotay sitting at his desk.
"No, not at all." Chakotay rose to his feet, which were bare, as he preferred in his quarters, and went over to Tom, kissing him lightly. Paris looked surprised at this gesture and even more so when Chakotay took him by the hand, but, instead of leading him to the bedroom, sat him down at the dining table. He'd made all the preparations, including laying the table, earlier.
"I promised you dinner earlier remember."
Tom smiled at him. "I remember."
"Is vegetarian all right," Chakotay asked, turning to the replicator.
"It's fine."
Chakotay placed the order, then set a plate in front of Tom who took a cautious bite, then grinned in relief; it was delicious. For a moment, there was an awkward silence, then Tom spoke.
"Um, what happened today..." Chakotay looked at him enquiringly. "I don't want you to think that I was challenging your authority, or anything like that. It was just..."
"That I was acting like I was crazy?"
"Well, yeah."
"I know. Actually I'm glad that you acted as you did." Tom's eyes widened in disbelief. "It makes me feel secure to know that if I'm incapacitated you'll be there to pick up the pieces."
"You really mean that?"
"I really mean it," Chakotay confirmed. At that, a slow, shy smile lit up Tom's face. Chakotay felt his heart give a peculiar little jump. He'd never seen Tom smile like that before, and, oh, he looked so beautiful in that instant. He swallowed heavily, then continued, "I think I've realised that it can be a difficult thing to do, take something on the spiritual level on faith, on trust, even for me."
Tom nodded. "It's an integral part of most religions, but is often described as the simplest and yet hardest tenet to grasp."
"I didn't think you were the religious type."
"Oh, I'm not, but I find the concept interesting. There are so many similarities between the different religions, and often the differences tell you more about the type of society in which the religion is practised than almost anything else."
"You're really interested in this type of thing?"
Tom grinned at him. "There's no need to look so surprised. I'm interested in all sorts of things." Unspoken were the words 'As you'd have found out if you bothered to ask,' but Chakotay heard them clearly none the less and winced internally.
"So, how'd you find out about them, then, if you don't practise any religion?"
Tom shrugged. "I read a lot."
Again, Chakotay was surprised. He couldn't really picture the ebullient Paris sitting quietly in his quarters, reading. "You do? When?"
"Well obviously not when I'm on duty," Tom said tartly.
"No, no, of course not."
"But other times, you know, in my free time, in bed. What, did you think I spent all of my free time on the holodeck, in Sandrine's?" Chakotay didn't want to admit that that had been his impression as Tom continued in an exasperated voice, "Dammit, Chakotay. Even I, party animal that you obviously think I am, like some time to myself, y'know!"
The other man nodded. "I know. I'm sorry. It's just that you seem to try your hardest to give everyone that impression. You do, you know," he said apologetically.
To his surprise, Tom grinned at him. "Yeah, I know. It's okay, I can't really complain if you got the impression I wanted you to get, now can I." Then, with a swift change of subject: "So, if it's not too personal, what went on in this ritual? I mean, how did you reach the point when you were literally willing to risk your life by going through that archway?"
Chakotay's face lit up with enthusiasm. "It was amazing. I thought I knew something about spiritual matters, but this was different from what I've experienced in the past." He explained to Tom what had happened, about the various ordeals he'd undergone, until he'd experienced the revelation that all of that was unnecessary and extraneous, that all was required was faith. Tom listened, rapt, fascinated by the tale Chakotay span of his experiences.
Later, the two men sat side by side on Chakotay's couch, still talking. Chakotay had to admit that he'd had a thoroughly enjoyable dinner, for Tom had proved to be a stimulating dinner guest, interested in what he'd had to say, ready with many an interesting or amusing anecdote of his own. For the first time, Chakotay was really able to see the Admiral's son; the training he'd received in social situations was obvious. When he wasn't trying to be obnoxious, Tom was a very easy companion to be with, with beautiful manners and social graces. Of course, being Tom, he hadn't been able to resist making the odd sarcastic comment and there'd been a few times when Chakotay had had to bite his tongue to avoid making a comment that he knew Tom would interpret as derogatory.
But on the whole, he'd had a good time, laughing a bit shamefacedly at some of Tom's more scurrilous stories, and unwillingly fascinated by others. It had turned out that Tom pretty much knew everyone who was anyone in Starfleet, not just that, but he also knew some tales that he was positive the brass would have been horrified to learn were known to him. It was beginning to dawn on Chakotay just what being a Paris meant, and he was getting an inkling of the type of pressure Tom must have been under his whole life in order to live up to the Paris family legacy. That didn't excuse his reprehensible behaviour after Caldik Prime of course, nothing could do that, but it did go some way to explain it. It also explained Tom's apparent lack of respect for authority. He'd been brought up surrounded by authority figures, no wonder he didn't kow-tow to anyone who wielded authority as a matter of course. And yet, he obviously did respect some people in positions of command, Kathryn Janeway for one. He hoped that Tom respected him, although he wasn't certain whether that was the case or not. He felt somewhat uneasy at the fact that he actually *wanted* Tom's respect, at this feeling he now had that this was something worth having. Why should he care what Tom thought of him? Beyond the fact that a captain really needed his first officer's respect to function most effectively, of course.
"Paris to Chakotay. Paris to Chakotay."
"Hmm?"
"You look like you were a million parsecs away. I'm not boring you am I?"
At that, Chakotay had to laugh. Tom Paris engendered all sorts of feelings in him, but boredom was not, and never would be, one of them. "You? Boring? Never!"
Tom grinned at him. "Then just what's got you so abstracted?"
Chakotay shook his head. "Nothing important. Although I was thinking about doing this." As he spoke, he leaned over and kissed Tom, who responded enthusiastically.
"Bedroom," Tom mumbled against his mouth. Chakotay nodded and the two of them stumbled to the bedroom, still kissing.
Once there, Chakotay let go of Tom and reclined on the bed. "Undress for me," he requested. Tom shook his head in amusement, but acquiesced. He made a performance out of it, slowly pulling off his clothes, until he stood naked, proudly erect, hands on hips.
"Like what you see?"
"You know I do!"
Tom did. He'd felt Chakotay's eyes on him often enough to know that he had one quality that was of overwhelming interest to Chakotay. Okay, maybe being wanted only because of his looks wasn't the best thing in the universe, but at least it was something.
He moved to Chakotay, who had started to undo his clothes. Tom caught his hands. "Let me." He slowly unfastened Chakotay's shirt, a little at a time, pressing kisses on the smooth brown flesh revealed to his admiring gaze. He slid the creamy shirt off the broad shoulders letting it lie where it fell on the bed covers. Then he turned his attention to the trousers, grinning at the bulge of Chakotay's obvious erection. He unfastened them and slid his hand inside, to grasp the strong shaft; as usual before one of their trysts, Chakotay wasn't wearing any underwear. He wordlessly motioned for Chakotay to raise up and deftly slid off the trousers, leaving Chakotay naked.
Chakotay was enjoying the attention; Tom's touch was gentle, almost tender, his kisses light. It was going to be one of the times when they'd take it slowly, somehow he knew it. This was exactly what he'd been in the mood for, following the events of the day. He wondered how Tom had guessed that, then ceased to think as Tom bent his head and ran his tongue up Chakotay's shaft. Oh, he loved this; the feeling engendered when Tom did this; he was so good at this. He groaned, deep in his throat, as Tom gently licked at his balls, taking one into his mouth. The wet heat was exquisite. Then Tom took the shaft into his mouth and sucked. Chakotay's hips bucked at the feel, then he cried out in protest as Tom removed his mouth.
"Turn over." The words were softly spoken, but with an underlying note of command. Wordlessly, Chakotay complied, lying face down on the bed. He felt light, nibbling kisses at his ankles. He wriggled a bit, unable to prevent himself; it tickled.
"Try to stay still," Tom requested. "I can guarantee it'll be better if you do." Oh, in that case... Chakotay tried not to move as Tom slowly, slowly licked up his leg, pausing to lavish attention on the soft skin at the back of the knees. Chakotay had never thought of this as much of an erogenous zone before, but was rapidly changing his mind. A long lick up the inside of his thigh; at this Chakotay spread his legs, to give Tom better access. He skirted over his ass, much to Chakotay's disappointment, but spent some time on the small of his back, then licked up his spine. Chakotay's whole body felt sensitised, every millimetre tingling, the air as it slid over his skin was unbearably arousing as every part of his body, even the parts Tom hadn't touched, felt like a mass of raw nerve endings. He moaned and rubbed his groin against the covers, desperate for the friction. Then, slowly, oh so slowly, he felt his ass cheeks parted and then, oh, he cried out as he felt a sensitive tongue touch him there. Tom ran his tongue round the rim, as Chakotay shivered in delight, wailing when he felt the clever tip penetrate him.
He cried out in protest, as the tongue left him, but that turned into a long, low moan, as he felt a finger slide inside him, preparing him for what was to come.
"Hurry," he gasped, but felt Tom's headshake in response as Tom pressed kisses on the tops of his thighs.
"Not this time, we're taking it slow, remember."
Chakotay gritted his teeth, damn the man. But before he could protest, he felt long, elegant fingers seize his balls, stroking and caressing them and the protest died unborn, as Chakotay gave himself up to sheer sensation. All he was able to concentrate on were twin feelings of Tom stretching him and the delicious sensations engendered by that beautiful hand on his balls. He felt as if he were burning up, that he would burst into flame, because, surely, nobody could survive this type of heat. Then, for a few moments, both hands were removed; leaving him bereft until he felt the slow, slow entry into his body. Aaah, he'd wanted this, longed for this, this was gentle and slow and perfect...
His mind flew, as swift as any vision quest, there was nothing but the feeling, this tender, careful, beautiful possession. His fingers laced together with Tom's as the feel of him moving on him, in him, became the whole universe. Nothing existed save this moment, this feeling, nothing had ever existed save for than this... this would last forever.... At the moment of completion, he felt both joy, and regret, that it had to come to an end.
It took him a long time to come back to himself. Gradually, he became aware of his surroundings, the long body lying on top of his, breath slowing. He moved slightly, at that Tom rolled off him, to Chakotay's regret. He turned to his back and reached for the younger man, hugging him close.
"Thank you," he said quietly. "That was wonderful."
"I told you you'd like it." The words were triumphant, but the tone was not. Instead, he sounded, well, Chakotay really wasn't sure how he sounded. Almost shy maybe. Then he dismissed that; the last thing Tom Paris could be described as was shy.
"You were right, I did." He pressed a kiss to Tom's temple, enjoying the feel of him in his arms, all sweat soaked and flushed as he was.
The two men lay there in silence for a long moment, as Chakotay found himself drifting off to sleep. Then Tom moved, breaking the embrace, to Chakotay's murmur of protest. Paris got up off the bed, waking Chakotay fully now.
"I'd better get going."
"You don't have to," Chakotay offered, feeling almost shy, in his turn. "Why don't you stay."
Tom looked down at him for a long moment. "Nah, better not."
With that, he disappeared swiftly into the shower, collecting his clothes en route; leaving Chakotay feeling absurdly deflated. After Tom's tender, gentle, almost loving actions earlier, somehow it seemed to be a travesty that moments later the man who had so worshipped his body felt the need to get up and leave. It had never been quite like this between them before. Tom had taken him many times, and he'd enjoyed each time greatly, but it had never moved him like tonight. Wonderful though it had always been, he'd not guessed that it could be like this between them.
Tom came out of the bathroom fully dressed a short while later. He walked to where Chakotay sat up in bed, silently watching him, then smiled hesitantly. "Thanks Chakotay, I had a really good time tonight."
"So did I."
"Well," Tom said awkwardly, "thanks for dinner. I'll see you in the morning, okay."
"Yes, tomorrow."
With that, he was gone. Chakotay lay back on the bed, with a sigh.
******
End Chapter Five
